From Chaos to Calm

This past month has been full! Full of excitement, new and different experiences, things to look forward to and things that some of us dread (the funny thing is those are at times one in the same). The holidays are probably one of the most full spectrum life experiences our families join together and endure with regularity. Along with the beginning of the school year and other life transitions that we journey together, the holiday season offers opportunity for us to explore and reflect on our thresholds to handle change, the unexpected and the stress of cramming so much into a two week period of time we feel we deserve a gold metal at the completion.

As I watch my children, both grown and littles, I see different abilities to handle a lack of predictability, change or an absence of traditions that anchor what this season holds for us. You see, its the "predictable" that helps us navigate the "unpredictable". Young and old, having something we can count on offers us comfort, but more importantly, builds resiliency in that it offers a "place " to return to. There is a developmental component that comes into play here as well. From birth to three or five yeas of age we are developing the sense of safety and security through the consistency of the care we receive. Im raising two children who did not receive consistent care and basic needs of food, safety, a clean diapers were not provided. Not having this foundation impacts and it impacts in a big way, in all they do. Their balance is fragile and their triggers are many. The work in our house is very much about establishing trust of basic safety, unconditional love and care.

Regardless of our history, we all have a threshold of how much stimuli, stress, and demand on our systems we can tolerate before we are pulled out of balance and become dysregulated. Regulation is a term that describes our ability to stay in a balanced state of emotion, even under stress. Dysregulation can look like hyper-arousal (easily angered or "over reactive"), or hypo-arousal (apathetic, disengaged). As parents we spend a great deal of energy understanding and paying attention to our children's triggers (the stimuli that irritates and escalates) and thresholds. We work to anticipate how we can them help maintain physical and emotional balance, but do we take the time to consider our own? This holiday season I spent time paying attention to my own regulation, triggers and threshold. I am three months post-op from major orthopedic surgery, my stamina is not back to %100 yet. With appreciation for the energy my body is requiring for this healing process I noticed my lowered threshold, both physical and emotional. When I remained tuned into what MY boundaries were in regard to activity and stimuli, I could stay connected and present with my family and my parenting reflected this. However when I kept driving through the day, ignoring my internal signals, I found myself losing my temper and or simply disengaging. Our threshold is effected by many different factors and parenting is certain to bring these

While on social media the other day a young mom I know posted a meme basically stating, "Don't tell me about self care! I have four kids and haven't showered in three days! Im a MOM, GET REAL!".

I get it, trust me I get it, and yet this saddened me. Self care is not only important, it is probably THE most important and challenging aspect of caring for our children. Understanding our own limits is taking "self care" well beyond a daily shower. Identifying and respecting our own boundaries and getting support or tools to maintain balance is an ongoing process and well worth the work. Our threshold is affected by many different factors, both physical and emotional and parenting is certain to bring these to the surface for us to take a look at.